Relationship- Bridge to the Soul Read online

  Relationship

  Bridge to the Soul

  Relationship

  Bridge to the Soul

  Chris G. Moon

  Copyright ©1999 Christopher G. Moon

  Revised edition © 2017

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the copyright holder.

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher and author are not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Published by Vision Mountain Training, Inc.

  www.visionmountain.com

  Copy editing and proofreading by Harmon Chan Moon

  Cover design by Jan Westendorp, Kato Design and Photo

  Cover photo by Jennifer Squires Ross

  eBook by tikaebooks.com

  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication is available

  ISBN: 978-0-9684507-2-7 (epub)

  ISBN: 978-0-9684507-3-4 (mobi)

  ISBN: 978-0-9684507-4-1 (pdf)

  Acknowledgements: I am happy to extend my most heartfelt appreciation to Su Mei for being my greatest teacher of life, love and marriage, my two children Harmon Chan and Tara Ming for inspiring me to always go further, and teaching me the meaning of emotional maturity, and a special thanks to Harmon Chan for his masterful editing and proofreading work, Chuck Spezzano for his undying support, as well as his groundbreaking “Psychology of Vision”—a most profound psychological model, as well as his input on the “Polarities” and communication models, Jane Nelsen, for helping me be a more mature parent through her amazing book on “Positive Discipline for Children,” Terry Pratchett, whose books made me laugh when I wanted to cry, and who illustrated the difference between personal and important, Stephen Karpman for his timeless “Drama Prison,” Andreas Abele, my partner in crime, for keeping me motivated to keep working on this book, all of my promoters who helped me develop my gifts as a teacher and writer, and all of my friends, past and present, and family, living and dead, who taught me the value of being in heartfelt relationships.

  Contents

  About the Book

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  About the Author

  About the Book

  Based on the principles of personal accountability, and using intimate partnership as a template for all relationships, this book guides you step by step through the stages to which all your important relationships will take you. It explains the purpose of interpersonal conflicts and problems, why you might react to them the way you do, and how you can respond to these challenges in order to grow in emotional maturity, wisdom, love and true happiness. Relationship - Bridge to the Soul will challenge the traditional views on family, marriage and parenting, and open the door to seeing relationships in a whole new way—through the eyes of your soul.

  Your essential nature is one of peace, limitless creative potential, joy and love. Because human beings tend to forget, and lose touch with, their essence, life gives you opportunity after opportunity to remember your essential nature and bring it more into your everyday awareness. Many of these opportunities come through the important relationships in your life, appearing to you as moments of heart-to-heart connection, but many opportunities often appear as “problems” as well. Following the suggestions and guidance in this book, you can learn how to respond to the problems responsibly, and with an open heart, thereby not only transforming your relationship, but also helping you to remember your true nature. What follows after that is a life of abundance, awe, love, and gratitude.

  With clarity, simplicity, and humor—and a small bag of practical tools—the author provides you with a map through the relationship landscape, pointing out the opportunities, gifts and treasures, as well as the pitfalls, traps, distractions, unconscious defenses, and emotional eddies that make the relationship experience such an amazing adventure. By the end, you will understand, and be fully equipped to fulfil the true purpose of your most important relationships.

  CHAPTER 1

  THE GRAIL OF RELATIONSHIP

  ———————————

  To seek a true and lasting relationship is, in fact, to seek one’s Self.

  Almost everyone in the world wants to be in a really great relationship. That may sound like an understatement, since many of our lives have been all but consumed by the seemingly endless saga of looking for someone, finding someone, losing or leaving someone, and then starting the whole cycle over again until we find our perfect mate (or die in the effort). And even when the search is successful, intimate unions can become a major preoccupation. After the initial excitement and hope can come periods of discontent and struggle, with complex emotional problems confounding even the brightest of minds.

  The real source of these relationship problems often remains an unsolvable mystery because beyond merely looking for, finding, and keeping that “certain someone,” there is a hidden purpose at work. It might surprise us to hear that our relationship frustrations and problems are actually a hopeful sign, and in fact serve that hidden purpose. When, in my work, I mention that the emergence of pain in a relationship is actually a good sign, the response I receive is constantly one of surprise and disbelief. What possible purpose could be served by hurting each other? But this hidden purpose is not revealed until we become aware that by entering a relationship, we are actually taking part in a great quest.

  From the very moment that we begin to look for someone with whom to intimately share our lives, we are usually unaware that the quest has begun for something that surpasses what we imagine is possible between two human spirits. That “something” is what I will call the experience of Truth through Partnership. Through this path of Soul Relationship, we are not just looking to fall in love; we are searching for an experience that will allow us to fall in love over and over again. Like valiant knights in search of a Holy Grail, we seek something in a relationship that fulfills a physical, emotional, and spiritual thirst. On the surface it may seem that we are simply lonely, or yearning to share meaningful feelings with a significant other, but in fact, behind every relationship, our souls are at work, guiding us to a spiritually satisfying experience.

  This book is for those of us who are interested in experiencing close and/or intimate relationships, and want to receive more than mere comfort and companionship. We want the kind of partnership that will encourage us to extend ourselves past our preprogrammed limitations. We are looking for that which will enhance a greater sense of purpose and direction, and lend a trustworthy hand in times of our human trials. We are looking for a Soul Relationship.

  And it goes beyond looking for what we can get from such a union. Through the path of Soul-centered Partnership we also crave the opportunity to give in ways we never have before—with no selfish thoughts of reward or compensation. Instinctively, we seem to know that when we are truly in love we are happy, and when we are happy, giving flows naturally from us. We want to give unconditionally, because, on the deepest level of our being it feels right. Behind all our fantasies and romantic ideals, behind our inherent search for power, purpose or meaning, there lies th
at one desire: to know true, unconditional love. At first we may want to share this love with just one other person—our chosen partner—but the love that comes from Soul Partnership cannot be contained or limited; it must eventually extend itself to the rest of the world.

  Thus, that quest for the elusive grail of Soul Partnership goes on in a society whose job seems to be keeping that grail well hidden. For when you look at the state of many modern relationships, it seems that we are struggling through the dark without map, compass or flashlight, nagged by a vague sense that something is calling us, but often giving up in frustration, or getting stuck in the confusion and doubt. Sometimes what started out as a wonderful experience turns very ugly indeed. In fact, in North America it is far more likely that the average adult will be attacked by his or her own partner than by a stranger.

  The road to an enlightened relationship seems to be wrought with hazards every step of the way. The intimate relationships of our everyday lives are the first stage to true union; but when you look at all the traps and pitfalls that exist in intimate relationships, it is surprising that many couples stay together at all. It’s even more amazing that those who separate pick themselves up and try again! The conflicts that cause separations can often be bitterly painful, leaving both parties with deep wounds.

  But nobody enters a relationship out of a desire for painful conflict. Nobody says, “I need a relationship. I’m tired of going out looking for pain and suffering—why bother when I can have pain and suffering right here in the comfort of my own home?” It is the nature of relationships in this day and age that they bring out the worst in each other at times; and often the worst is so bad that it drives us apart forever. But no matter how wounded we are from the previous attempt to find our “perfect mate,” it doesn’t stop us from trying again and again, muddling our way through the glitter and glamour of romantic magnetism, the strain of conflicts, and the multitude of hurdles that make up intimate partnerships, all in the name of love.

  Few of us were prepared for the challenges of relationship. With no great childhood role models, no teachers and therefore no clear instruction on how to get close to someone else, the entire issue was left in our far-from-capable hands. We were largely unaware that there is a purpose to relationships that extends far beyond companionship, physical pleasure, and raising a family. We grew up without knowing that there is a meaning to, and way through, all the pain these partnerships bring.1

  Relationship is an art that expresses all the peaks and depths of what it is to be human. Like all art, it requires individual gifts and talents (which we have in abundance), education in the fundamentals, and lots of practice. Although your relationship life is completely unique, certain human tendencies are found in all relationships. Most of us get need and sentiment confused with love. Most of us believe that someone has to be right and the other one has to be wrong when we fight. We tend to try to manipulate or control our partner from time to time. We experience feeling stuck, and we’re afraid of love and intimacy! When we understand the reasons for these tendencies we can apply practical principles to help overcome them according to our unique situations, and raise our relationship to a whole new experience of love.

  Some day, I can see entire schools dedicated to mastering the art of relationship. Until then, what we need is some form of guidance to help us through the fog. Something simple, clear, and realistic; something like this manual for modern relationships! Let’s take a journey together through the stages that are common to all relationships, understand why they exist, and see if we can discover an easy, natural way through the obstacles to the higher levels of Soul Partnership.

  What we discuss here are what I believe to be universal principles of human relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, straight, gay or living a monastic life. You may feel like you are living with the greatest saint on earth, the worst person on the planet, or someone somewhere in between. As far as this book is concerned if there are problems in the relationship, you have all the power within you to respond to the problem and grow beyond it to a deeper experience of Authentic Partnership.

  These principles apply to all relationships, including friends, siblings, bosses, employees, business partners and even political parties, to name a few. I will use intimate relationships for most of my examples, but the basic process of relationship includes all its forms. I hope you will find this book entertaining, informative, and inspiring, so that you can not only enjoy the richer relationships, but also be in a position to reach out a hand to someone who may be struggling on this incredible path.

  Exercise

  Write down all the great qualities you saw in your partner when you first met him/ her, plus all the qualities you have discovered since. Next, on another list, write down all the faults you see in him/her now. Put the two lists side by side. Give yourself ten points for each item of the first list, and take away ten points for each item on the second. Is your relationship operating at a profit or a deficit? Many people who tried this exercise were surprised to realize that although they had experienced many crises or difficulties in their relationships, there were more attractive qualities to their partners than unattractive ones. They had simply forgotten what had drawn them to their mates and narrowly focusing only on the criticisms.

  * * *

  1 When I was a teen, I would constantly complain to God for not giving me even a small instruction manual to help me find love in the world. When I reached the age of thirty I finally realized that, being an average guy, I never would have read the manual anyway!

  CHAPTER 2

  GLAMOUR

  ———————————

  “All that glitters is not gold”

  —Proverb

  I am using the term “glamour” here to indicate a false light that distracts from the real source of illumination. The moon uses glamour, reflecting the light from the sun, whereas the lunar body itself is dead and cannot generate any light of its own. Many big-name movie stars are adored by fans, when it is obvious that they are simply human beings who symbolize something great, powerful, or beautiful that resides in all human beings. The actual lives of the stars are as chaotic and problematic as everybody else’s, but Glamour blinds some fans to that fact and the stars are placed on the level of demigods. The same is done with sports heroes, politicians, and so-called “royalty.” Even though numerous scandals have exposed the error in attributing superior qualities to these people, we humans have the remarkable tendency to turn around and glamorize somebody else. Glamour appears in relationship when we embark on.…

  ***

  THE SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY

  ———————————

  “Whoever loved that loved not at first sight?”

  —Christopher Marlowe

  First we’ll start with that stage of the relationship that warms the cockles of every heart. Regardless of how often our fingers get burnt, we are drawn over and over again to the fires of romance. This feeling, one of the strongest of human sentiments, makes us want only to be consumed by passion’s flames, and blinded by love’s light. From the puppy love of an adolescent to the December romance of an older person, everyone loves the heart-pounding excitement of meeting someone with whom we are immediately prepared to spend the rest of our lives. We believe in the power of romance so fiercely that this one simple encounter of two people who “find each other” has inspired millions of books and movies. Some of us outside of fiction do find that certain someone and try our best to keep rekindling the flames we experienced at our first encounters. Others fall in love with “falling in love” and endlessly seek that special someone who will keep the torch lit for us forever, deserting one possibility after another as soon as the flame dwindles.

  Let’s look at the stages people in relationship move through, beginning with the initial tug of magnetism and its metamorphosis into the fireworks of romantic love.
This stage inevitably leads us into the grips of unreasonable expectations, only to drop us eventually into disillusionment. It is this disillusionment that causes many people to doubt the real value of relationships. When it hit me full in the face, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that relationships just don’t work. Over the next few pages you may start to think I am trying to prove that all relationships are designed for failure, but please keep reading. I believe that fear and ignorance are two root causes for all so-called relationship “failures.” The more we can be aware of the hidden traps and snares, the less our ignorance will control our perceptions, and thus the less we will have to fear. With a little understanding of the actual/underlying reason for our sentimental tendencies, the path of relationships can work, and bring to us the first glimpse of the freedom of love.

  Put simply, sentiment is an emotion that comes from the basic need to love and be loved which is primary in all human beings. From that primary motivator comes the dynamic pull of…

  ***

  MAGNETISM

  ———————————

  “I am bewitched… If the rascal hath not given me medicines to make me love him, I’ll be hanged!”

  —Shakespeare, Henry IV 2.2

  Forming relationships is a little bit more difficult for humans than for other species on this planet. If we were like whales, we could just whistle to each other from a few hundred miles away and start heading in the direction of the responding whistle. Barring the intervention of harpoons, oil slicks or fishing nets, we’d eventually have our mate. If humans were like mountain sheep, two males could smash their heads together until the resulting headache caused them to realize that having sex with a female sheep was probably a lot more fun. With animals, some law of attraction utilizes one or more of the senses to draw two members of the same species together to perpetuate the species’ existence.